Author: Ke Guo
There are two types of people in life: observer and participant. It is also very easy for a participant to become an observer but more challenging than vice versa. Observers like to detach themselves from their environment, which could be dangerous since their feelings could either be scant or surfeited. But some, like Zhuozhuo, stand at the crossroads, choosing to become neither.
Snow covers Western Mass. The unideal weather condition sends the student news that enlightens the rest of their day—-Yes, it is a snow day, no school tomorrow. Zhuozhuo is the cheerleader of these kinds of news in her dorm. But she soon mutters that she cannot sleep in on a snow day! What gets her smiles stolen is the errand from her school Principal: doing a live-streaming interview online at 8 in the morning to “advertise” her school and answer questions from parents. Let alone deprive her of sleep, which she technically needs 10+ hours a day when not having school. More importantly, she is reluctant because she does not love her school. Unfortunately, the Principal made the decision and did not give Zhuozhuo any chance to negotiate. Zhuozhuo is used to the paternalistic demeanor in her school; her electronic devices are all confiscated during school days with no exceptions; the Principal tells her that her teachers and the school cannot provide recommendations to secondary schools when she makes one mistake. Nonetheless, she finishes her duty with all she can provide in the interview.
Zhuozhuo is very expressive about her experiences in school, especially the parts she does not like. Besides the prevailing paternalism on campus, she remarks that making friends and academics can be challenging. It seems ridiculous for her to comprehend the Crucible and write essays about it. She enjoys doing math that requires thinking, but she has to be able to solve them by the end. Also, she defines herself as an incurable procrastinator in academics. “I hate it myself. I am the one who spoils me, and I am the one who struggles to evade it.”
Sometimes she would talk with her friends from China in the dorm until 1 a.m. Sometimes she struggles to make friends with her classmates. The barrier between races is much more than the differences in eye colors and skin tones; rather is how those physical traits have categorized us. And finally, everyone is cultivated by the environment and society. But Zhuozhuo is somehow determined not to be cultivated. She became the Varsity Basketball Captain this winter. This is a challenging task for her since being a leader requires a lot more than being a good player. In the beginning, she feels there is an insubstantial rampart settling in front of her and the team. For a lot of the time, she cannot understand the colloquial jokes and sayings from her teachers. However, she consciously and actively seeks opportunities to get along with her team, which works.
Zhuozhuo has left her footprints in schools in Shanghai, Beijing, England, and Massachusetts. She will likely add more to the list considering four more years of secondary school and college. When asked how she adapted to the environment, she said that you do not adapt to an environment; you come to a place and live in it. She is satisfied with the status quo regardless of everything she dislikes in her school. And she wants more. Zhuozhuo knows what she wants to do in high school. She wants to seal the old version of herself and make changes, from her apparel to social styles. She remarks that she will be more confident in her identity and culture in the future. She knows that she is not an extrovert, but she will be. For her, it is always conducive to work on her weakness, she is not adept at socializing with others, yet her goal is to overcome it.
Zhuozhuo knows that there are many reasons for her to dislike her current school. Nonetheless, she will miss the time she spent there looking back in the future. She is a real surfer who glides back and forth in time. Zhuozhuo says that she tends to remember more times she cried than moments she laughed because they usually indicate stronger feelings and emotions. She preserves these feelings like treasure.
When asked how frequently she misses home and how closely tied she thinks she is to her homeland China , Zhuozhuo says she only has one close friend at home and that her favorite connection is wallowing on tik tok. We live in a digital era where everyone is expedient in using the resources around us and strives to make ourselves look competitive and valuable materially, longing to be gilded upon the clouds. Perhaps every generation is a lost generation, and everyone has their ways of confronting reality. Zhuozhuo’s way is to upholster herself with the tide but not flustered when torrents arrive.
She says she likes to scroll through her camera roll almost every night and look at the old pictures. Reminiscence is wreathed upon colors, salts, tears, tones of existence, and smiles. But she does not want to plunge into that world. Instead, she would outline and tinge on her latest piece, the present. For there is one advantage of being young, the world bears your fear, happiness, and sadness; it bestows you with mistakes and cul-de-sacs and offers you innumerable possibilities to handle them.