Author Jingming; Yuxi Edited
Actually, it was written after the DLL. Recently, I have fallen into a period of social chaos, with irregular eating and sleeping patterns. I feel like a lost wanderer who, when encountering something to eat, mindlessly devours it, craving a lavish feast.
Relying on meals, engaging in random conversations with people, and living in my own fantasies. I've created a dilemma for myself—I hope to have some intimate relationships in my fantasies, not in reality, but fantasies need the nourishment of reality. I just want to have fake, eternal, unchangeable beautiful relationships. I don't want reality to tear apart this illusion.
I fell in love with a green plum.
Sometimes, I have to suppress my desire not to approach my own desires, wanting to swallow it in one bite, but it will dissolve in my stomach and become a part of my life. I don't want this fusion; I just want to look at it, imagine the sweetness after I eat it, rather than simple memories afterwards, sighing about the irretrievable past.
But I can't take my eyes off it; I force myself to leave, but I return time and time again. After a while, I start to doubt if I really want to eat it. Why was I initially attracted to it? It's just a green plum; there are so many other fruits in the world.
I immerse myself in studying, searching for that hint of green that shouldn't appear between each character. In the end, I fell into a low mood on Thursday; I didn't want to go out or see anyone. I was experiencing a mental famine, feeling like I had lost the courage to eat it. Why do I have to do these things? Why do I have to study, to live? I feel like the green plum is about to shatter, and the sour juice is stinging my soul.
I know I am searching for a beautiful illusion, something that will inevitably distance me from reality, and this will bind me with the tension of reality because I can't escape from it. I need to accept that the green plum will rot, and so will I.
Bought some plum wine and rum; I'll drink them after finishing midterms next week.
其实已经是dll之后写的了，我最近陷入了社交狂乱期，饮食作息都不规律。我仿佛饿了许久的迷途者，遇到一点吃的就胡乱吞入腹，craving，饕餮盛宴。靠着吃饭，靠着抓住人聊天，靠着自己的幻想活着。我自己做了个困境，我希望我可以在幻想中拥有一些亲密的关系，我不希望这是现实的，但是幻想需要现实的滋润。 我只想得到假的、永恒的、不可改变的美好关系。我不想让现实撕破这个假象。
我爱上了一颗青梅。
有些时候要压抑自己的欲望不去靠近自己的渴望，想一口吞进去它，可是它会在我的胃里消解，变成我生命的一部分。我不想要这种融合，我只想看着它，想象着我吃它后的甜美，而不是事后单纯的回忆，感叹往事不可追。
可是我移不开视线，我强迫着自己离开。我却一次次回返。时间久了，我就开始怀疑自己是不是真的想吃它，为什么我一开始会被它吸引呢？它只是一颗青梅，世界上还是有那么多的别的果实。
我把自己抛入学习，我在一个个字符之间，寻找一些不应该出现的那抹绿色。最后，我在周四陷入了低迷情绪；我不想出门，不想见人，我在经历精神饥荒，我觉得，我失去了吃它的勇气，我为什么要做这些事情呢？我为什么要学习，要生活。我觉得青梅马上要破碎了，酸涩的汁水刺痛着我的灵魂。
我知道我在寻找美好的假象，这种东西势必会让自己远离现实，而这会导致我被现实的张力捆绑，因为我离不开现实。我需要接受，青梅会腐坏，我也是。
买了点梅子酒和朗姆酒，下周考完期中再喝吧。